When Sexual Harassment Happens:
How Confidants Can Be the First Line of Safety
Dr. Keh Foo Bee
In recent years, the issue of sexual harassment has gradually gained public attention. More and more survivors are beginning to share their experiences with people they trust. However, as "bystanders", many of us often struggle with how to respond without causing further harm.
Dr. Keh Foo Bee, Head of Counselling Department at New Era University College, pointed out that the wave of #MeToo incidents in March this year pushed campuses to finally acknowledge the prevalence of sexual harassment.
As a result, New Era became the first university in Malaysia to establish a dedicated sexual harassment complaint hotline. But beyond institutional efforts, what truly influences a victim's willingness to speak up is often the attitude of those around them.
When someone chooses to confide in us, how we respond in that first moment can determine whether we become a source of healing or, unintentionally, another layer of harm.
| "You don’t have to be perfect. Just being there for them is already the greatest support."
From the victim's perspective, their pain should not be downplayed, nor should it be handed off solely to "professionals." Instead, every person who listens with empathy and without judgment can be a glimmer of light on their path toward healing.
The Golden Rule for Supporters: 5W1H — But Never "Why"
| "If someone is willing to share this with you, your first job is to hold space for what happened."
When someone confides in you about their experience of sexual harassment, your response can determine whether they feel safe to seek further help. Based on years of counselling experience, Dr. Keh offers one essential guideline: Use the 5W1H — but leave out the "Why."
She mentioned the importance of the 5W1H principle: What (What happened), Who (Who was involved), When (When it happened), Where (Where it occurred), and How (How it took place). But never ask "Why."
Dr. Keh stresses that questions like "Why did you agree to go out with him?" or "Why weren’t you more careful?" can easily make the victim feel blamed. Such questions may seem neutral, but they subtly shift the responsibility from the perpetrator to the victim, leading to guilt, shame, and self-doubt.
The Crucial Role of a Confidant:
Calm Listening and Careful Documentation
In many cases of sexual harassment, the first person a victim confides in is not the police or a counsellor, but someone they deeply trust. Thus, it means that any of us could one day become that confidant. Dr. Keh reminds that this role is incredibly important as a confidant is not just a listener, but also the earliest and closest witness to the victim's experience.
"We are not here to solve the problem, but to accompany them and help them make sense of what happened." She said the first step is to remain calm and present. Rather than rushing to offer advice or judgment, focus on empathetic listening. Victims often share their stories while in extreme emotional distress. "You need to keep an eye on her condition, trembling hands, cold skin, or visible shock are not uncommon……These visible trauma responses can later serve as critical evidence." As Dr. Keh reminds us, the confidant may one day become a key witness in any potential legal process.
In the process of accompanying, confidants may use gentle, conversational prompts to guide the victim if they feel comfortable sharing details, but never pressure them. If it becomes clear that the experience qualifies as sexual harassment, confidants may offer to help them document the incident, only with their full consent. For example, "I believe what you’re saying. If you're open to it, I can help you write things down, so that if you ever decide to take legal action, you'll have clear records to refer to." This documentation doesn’t need to be used right away, but it is a support in itself, creating space, both for healing and for future decisions for the victims.
"For a victim, speaking it out and writing it down can already be part of the healing process," Dr. Keh says. Trauma often replays itself endlessly in a victim’s mind. Gentle accompaniment and clear expression can help bring order to that internal chaos and guide them toward reclaiming their own narrative.
Boundaries and Self-Care: Confidants Need Support Too
Confidants play a crucial role in sexual harassment cases, but Dr. Keh also reminds us: when supporting someone else, we must not overlook our own mental and emotional well-being. Listening to trauma can be emotionally exhausting. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, emotionally drained, or even breaking down, don't force yourself to keep going.
You can honestly say: "I'm really sorry, I haven't handled a situation like this before, but I can see this was something very upsetting for you. Would you like me to go with you to the counselling centre?"
Another important point is that some confidants may be survivors of sexual harassment or trauma themselves. In such cases, hearing another person's experience can resurface their own buried pain. At this moment, Dr. Keh suggests saying something like: "I can be here with you for a while, but I want to be honest, I've also experienced something similar in the past, so I may not be the best person to fully support you through this." This is not only a respectful gesture toward the victim, but also a healthy boundary for the confidant.
When we come into contact with someone else's trauma, it can often stir up our own unhealed wounds. That's why Dr. Keh urges anyone who feels emotionally triggered by what they've heard to seek professional support, don't suppress it, and don’t delay. "Only by taking care of ourselves can we continue to care for others." This is not just an act of self-responsibility but also the most compassionate way to respect the person who has chosen to confide in us.
The Power of Companionship
Dr. Keh shares a profound perspective on the role of confidants. In her view, confidants don't need to be trained therapists or have all the right answers. What matters most is genuine presence and understanding.
In a time when sexual harassment is gaining more public attention, anyone could become a confidant. Dr. Keh’s experience reminds us that when we are faced with someone else's trauma, we are not expected to be saviours. Instead, we can simply be someone who is willing to listen, to understand, and to stay. Sometimes, this simple presence is the strongest support we can offer.